Love Hina Felony Assault
by Bugsy
Summary: Det. Friday confronts the greatest case of his career!
1. Primary Suspects

Love Hina – Felony Assault  
  
Fanfic by Steven Biggs  
  
I've got a bit of writer's block for the next chapter of 'Beautiful Dreamer'. I thought I'd throw this out for some fun. ^_^   
  
Chapter One – Primary Suspects  
  
Wednesday Night  
  
[My name is Friday. I'm a cop. While in Japan conducting investigative training for a local police force, I was called to assist in a local disturbance and missing person call at a hot water bath resort. They call it an 'onsen'. It's name is Hinata-sou.]  
  
[When I arrived at the scene I saw, well, let's say that I've never seen the effects of such violence on a building as I saw that night. I believe that this will turn into a homicide investigation once the details are sorted out. I took the statements of all five permanent residents, along with one woman there on vacation.]  
  
[Strangely, all of the persons involved are female and the missing person was a man. He was reported to be the manager of Hinata-sou. I started the investigation with the two primary suspects. The first claims to be a good friend of the missing person. I conducted the interview at the scene, in what is the dining area of the resort.]  
  
"Miss Narusegawa, can you describe what happened here tonight?"  
  
"Well, we were just sitting down to a dinner of tempura . . . . ."  
  
"What is tempura?"  
  
"It's just different meats and vegetables dipped in batter and fried. Sometimes we have rice or maybe soup to go with it."  
  
"Just the facts, ma'am."  
  
"Well, as I said, we were all just sitting down to eat and Keitaro attacked Shinobu again."  
  
"The victim, Urashima Keitaro, had a prior record of this behavior?"  
  
"Yes, he's always doing something perverted to one of us."  
  
"Continue."  
  
"Keitaro went to the kitchen to help bring out the rest of the food. When Shinobu came through the door, he tripped on Su's foot."  
  
"Kaolla Su, the foreign girl."  
  
"Yes, that's right. He tripped and fell on Shinobu, pulling her skirt off."  
  
"So he did not actually plan to attack her, as you first stated."  
  
"No, not really. You see, Keitaro is rather accident-prone. He can't help the way he is."  
  
"And then what happened?"  
  
"Motoko-san drew her sword to protect Shinobu. I think she used her rock splitting technique on him."  
  
"A rock splitting technique with a sword? Could you explain?"  
  
"I think that Motoko-san could describe it to you better than I could."  
  
"Very well, go on."  
  
"Well, she knocked Keitaro away from Shinobu and into the wall."  
  
[I looked at the imprint on the wall. It is the shape of a human's body, about six inches deep.]  
  
"Is that where he hit?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And that impact killed him."  
  
"Oh no, he's used to that. It hardly bothers him anymore."  
  
"Continue."  
  
"He bounced off the wall and, uh . . . . ."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And that scum grabbed my breasts."  
  
"He attempted to sexually molest you?"  
  
"Well, not really. You see, his glasses were knocked off and he couldn't see. He just reached out for some support after bouncing off the wall."  
  
"And then?"  
  
"I hit him."  
  
"What happened after you hit him?"  
  
"The usual. He crashed through the wall and sailed away."  
  
[I looked at the wall. A large hole had obviously been punched through it from the inside.]  
  
"The usual? This has happened before?"  
  
"About ten times a week, at least."  
  
"And that is when the body was missing?"  
  
"No, he'll be back soon."  
  
"You want me to believe that a human was thrown through that wall, after being slammed into that one, and survived?"  
  
"Keitaro is very durable."  
  
"And just what was your relationship to the, missing person?"  
  
"Ah, uh, I am, that is, we are, ah . . . . ."  
  
"Were you romantically involved with him?"  
  
"No! We are, ah, just, uh, good friends!"  
  
[I noticed her blushing and beginning to sweat. She obviously is trying to hide something about her relationship with the victim. This may be a crime of passion. I may be able to get more information from the others.]  
  
"Thank you for your time. Please wait in the den with the others and send Miss Aoyama in."  
  
"It's our common room. We usually have parties there."  
  
"Just the facts, ma'am."  
  
[The next person I interviewed was one Aoyama Motoko. She claims that she is a sword master from a Shinmei School near Kyoto. Kyoto, I remember from history class, was the ancient capital of Japan, just as Tokyo is now. It seems interesting that if you take the two syllables of Kyoto (KYO and TO) and switch them it becomes Tokyo (TO and KYO). But, I digress. This school is some kind of secret training academy, but to what purpose no one can accurately tell me. They keep saying something about demons, but maybe my Japanese is a little rusty. I am more apt to believe that they are a group of highly trained hit men (and women). Miss Aoyama is said to almost never to be without her weapon, and guards it most protectively. She would not allow the local police to confiscate it, so we have decided to let her retain possession for now.]  
  
"Miss Aoyama, could you tell me what transpired this evening?"  
  
"Urashima was up to his usual tricks. That lecherous, deceiving, weakling male attempted to sate his lust upon Shinobu-chan and Naru-sempai."  
  
"So, he was a sexual predator?"  
  
"No, he is just a clumsy, near-sighted, weakling male."  
  
"Miss Narusegawa claims that you are responsible for that indentation on the wall."  
  
"That is correct. At such short range, and with Shinobu-chan nearby, I held back slightly on my technique."  
  
"Your splitting rocks technique."  
  
"It is the Shinmei School Secret Arts technique of the Rock Splitting Sword."  
  
"Also useful for committing a 'hit' I assume?"  
  
"To hit the target is the primary objective."  
  
"I see. And then what happened after your 'hit'?"  
  
"Urashima lunged for Naru-sempai, attempting to molest her."  
  
"So, even after your attack, he kept attempting to sate his desire?"  
  
"No, he just fell against her. He is not very coordinated."  
  
"And did you practice your 'technique' on the victim on a regular basis?"  
  
"Urashima is always quite accommodating to my training. Since he arrived I have had multiple opportunities to hone my skills."  
  
"Did you have, shall we say, an emotional attachment to the victim?"  
  
"You, you , how dare you insinuate that I would lower myself to even think about the lips of someone such as Urashima, to even harbor any feelings for his gentle touch, to have even the slightest desire when I see his warm, gentle smile, I mean when he grins lecherously at me when I am practicing. You also are a vile, weakling male!"  
  
"Then, shall I take that as a yes?"  
  
"Correct."  
  
"You can go now. Please send in Ms Konno."  
  
End of Chapter One. 


	2. Conspirators

Love Hina – Felony Assault  
  
Fanfic by Steven Biggs  
  
Chapter Two – Conspirators  
  
Wednesday Night  
  
[The next two persons that I interviewed did not seem to be directly involved in the incident at first, but their statements were enlightening, nonetheless. I spoke with a Miss Konno next.]  
  
"Miss Konno Mitsune, please sit down."  
  
"Please, call me Kitsune."  
  
"Yes, Miss Kitsune. What is your relation to the victim, and what can you tell me about what happened tonight?"  
  
"Well, Keitaro-san and I have an agreement of sorts."  
  
"Can you be more specific?"  
  
"One grope is worth one month's rent."  
  
"Pardon me?"  
  
"You see, if Keitaro-san grabs my breasts, he's got to give me a month free here."  
  
[That statement was very interesting. This place may be a front for a brothel of some sort. The victim may have been pimping these young women against their will, which would explain their desire to be rid of him.]  
  
"And are those the breasts in question?"  
  
"Yes, and you can stop drooling now."  
  
"So, the victim demanded sexual favors in return for allowing you to stay here?"  
  
"Hey flatfoot, are you insinuating something? I just like to play tricks on him."  
  
[Tricks. Interesting in that was the specific word that slipped out.]  
  
"I see, and could you describe the incident?"  
  
"Keitaro-san accidentally tripped over Su, fell down and grabbed Shinobu's skirt, was struck by Motoko, fell against Naru, and was punched through the wall. Nothing special."  
  
"So, it was all just a complete accident?"  
  
"Well, I actually shoved Su's chair with my foot just as Keitaro-san walked behind her."  
  
"And just why did you do that?"  
  
"Su and I always make sure that happens."  
  
"So, you are saying that you set the victim up to fall?"  
  
"That's right. It's always nice to have a show during dinner."  
  
"Interesting. I think that I am beginning to understand things around here. You may go, and send Miss Kaolla in."  
  
"Okay, flatfoot!"  
  
[Miss Su is a foreign resident of this inn and her English is passable so I spoke to her that way.]  
  
"Miss Su, please have a seat."  
  
"What'cha calling me a glass of water for?"  
  
"Excuse me? A glass of water?"  
  
"Yep! Mizu means water around these parts. My name is Su."  
  
"Okay Su. Can you tell me in your own words what happened?"  
  
"My own words? Does it look like someone else's mouth is stuck to my face?"  
  
[Su seems strangely belligerent. This may provide a valuable clue if I can get her to slip up.]  
  
"Just tell me what happened, from the beginning."  
  
"Well, about fifteen billion years ago, there was this really big explosion. I mean gargantuan! It spread out through space, creating in an instant all the stuff in the universe."  
  
"Uh, not that beginning. I mean tonight when you were having dinner."  
  
"Why didn't ya say so? Boy, for a copper you're kinda stupid. Hold on! Wait a minute!"  
  
[Su then pulled a beeping object out of her pocket. At least, I assume she did, even though at the time it did not appear that there was room in her school uniform for any pockets.]  
  
"What is that object?"  
  
"The Tama-Tracker Mark IV! Let's see, bearing two-oh-four degrees, range three point oh-five meters, elevation point seven. I've got you now, you little bugger!"  
  
[This little girl then jumped over the table in one leap and landed on the side of the china cabinet. I must have been getting tired after a long day, because I thought I saw her chasing a small 'flying' turtle around the room. After a few seconds, she captured the creature, tied it up, and hung it above a stewpot that somehow was now on the table in front of me.]  
  
"I'm gonna eat ya for sure this time, Tama-chan!"  
  
"Mew?"  
  
"Excuse me, but what are you doing?"  
  
"Havin' a little snack! Ya want some turtle stew?"  
  
"I would rather continue this interview, if you really do not mind."  
  
"Darn! I guess I'll have ta eat you some other time, Tama-chan. You can go now."  
  
"Mew!"  
  
[I need to get glasses; I thought that I saw that little turtle fly out the window.]  
  
"In brief, what happened tonight?"  
  
"You're weird! Why do ya want me to tell my story wearing briefs? You's a pervert or something?"  
  
[Sigh.]  
  
"Just tell me what happened to your manager."  
  
"Why didn't ya say so?"  
  
"Please, Miss Su."  
  
"There ya go calling me water again!"  
  
[Sigh.]  
  
"Let's skip talking in English. Tell me the story in Japanese."  
  
"We already are in Japan!"  
  
[Groan!]  
  
"Hey, copper! Ya wanna hear something neat?"  
  
"Why not? Go ahead."  
  
"Well, ya see Keitaro was going to help Shinobu carry the trays to the table. Kitsune gives me a push in the right direction and I trips him up. Ya shoulda seen his face when Shinobu's skirt fell! Blood spurtin' everywhere! Then Motoko hauls off and whacks him good with her sword trick. Naru rushes over to help him and he falls into her. Ya never saw someone blush so hard! We're talking red here. Well, Naru punches Keitaro smack dead-center in the forehead and sends him through the wall. I wonder if the earth looked blue when he was up in the sky?"  
  
[Finally.]  
  
"Thank you for you're your statement, Miss, uh, Su. You can send Miss Maehara in now."  
  
"Sure thing copper!"  
  
End of Chapter Two. 


	3. Cover Up

Love Hina – Felony Assault  
  
Fanfic by Steven Biggs  
  
Chapter Three – Cover Up  
  
Wednesday Night  
  
[I next interviewed the girl that was first attacked and a woman here on vacation. Miss Maehara is the girl that was originally involved in this incident. Maybe she can clarify what has been happening around here.]  
  
"Good evening, Miss Maehara, please sit down and tell me what happened."  
  
"Okay. Sempai accidentally fell. It wasn't his fault, really! He's so kind and gentle and sweet!"  
  
"Has he attacked you before?"  
  
"No! He never, ever would do something like that! He's so kind and gentle and sweet!"  
  
"Yes, you already said that."  
  
"Well, after he fell, Motoko got jealous and hit him with her sword. Oh, poor Sempai!"  
  
"You're telling me that Miss Aoyama hit him because of a jealous rage?"  
  
"I think so. Why would anyone want to hurt poor, lovable, sweet Sempai?"  
  
"What was the victim's relationship with you, if any?"  
  
"I love, I mean I really like Sempai! Aaauuuuu!"  
  
[Every female so far has hinted at hidden feelings for the victim.]  
  
"What happened after Miss Aoyama hit him?"  
  
"Sempai bounced off the wall and Naru-sempai ran to catch him. When they were holding each other, I saw her, uh, um . . . . . ."  
  
"What did you see?"  
  
"I think that I was the only one that saw it, because I was standing next to them, but she k-k-kissed him. Aaauuuuu!"  
  
"She kissed him? But everyone else said that she hit him."  
  
"She didn't hit him at first. When she noticed that I saw her kissing Sempai, she grabbed his hand and, and, and placed it against her br-br-breast!"  
  
"Are you saying that Miss Narusegawa intentionally placed his hand there?"  
  
"Y-y-yes! Aaauuuuu! Then Naru-sempai acted like it was Sempai's fault and hit him to hide that she was embarrassed."  
  
"This is very interesting. Are you absolutely sure about what you saw?"  
  
"Oh yes! I saw everything!"  
  
"Thank you very much, Miss Maehara. You can go, and please send in Miss Ishido."  
  
[Miss Ishido Hikari is a local doctor that runs a clinic at the bottom of the hill. She was the victim's physician.]  
  
"Miss Ishido, you have treated the victim in the past for injuries he sustained while working as this inn's manager."  
  
"That is correct. He has been to my clinic for minor injuries and I have responded here when called."  
  
"How many times have you had to visit here to treat him?"  
  
"Twice since he became the manager."  
  
"Can you tell me what you treated him for?  
  
"Well, from the most critical injury first, I have treated him for a broken rib, a dislocated shoulder twice, and a head injury."  
  
"That is three injuries. I thought you said that you came here twice."  
  
"Two of the injuries were concurrent."  
  
"Were these injuries caused by accidents?"  
  
"That is confidential information between me and my patient."  
  
"I understand, but I need to know for my investigation."  
  
"Very well. No they were not caused by accidents."  
  
"Who was responsible for injuring him?"  
  
"It, it was Naru-san, Motoko-san, and, and myself."  
  
"You have injured the victim?"  
  
"I did not mean to. He grabbed my breast and I drove my elbow into his forehead."  
  
"So, he molested you also."  
  
"No, not really. He was dazed and without his glasses at the time and could not tell what he was reaching for."  
  
"Did you witness tonight's attack?"  
  
"Yes, Kei-kei . . . . ."  
  
"Kei-kei?"  
  
"Excuse me, I mean Keitaro-san accidentally fell into Shinobu. After Motoko-san inadvertently struck out in her protection, he fell against Naru-san, who then struck out reflexively."  
  
"In your professional opinion, could a human who received such attacks survive them?"  
  
"No, but Keitaro seems to have some kind of defense that allows him to endure."  
  
"If that is so, then why isn't he here? Where is the body?"  
  
"Judging from Naru-san's punch, Keitaro probably landed about four kilometers away. It takes some time to walk back from such a distance."  
  
"You mean to tell me that you can determine what distance the victim's body traveled just by observing Miss Narusegawa's attack?"  
  
"That is correct. She, and Motoko-san, are very precise."  
  
"A minute ago, you called the victim Kei-kei. Could you explain that?"  
  
"That was what I called him when he was a small child."  
  
"So, you have known the victim his entire life?"  
  
"I have not seen him since he was less than two years old. When my parents moved to America I wanted to take him with me."  
  
"Thank you, Doctor. You may wait in the common room with the rest."  
  
[I spent a few minutes reviewing my notes. After analyzing the facts and ruling out the discrepancies in the girls' stories, I have determined what actually happened. I confront the guilty parties in their common room.]  
  
End of Chapter Three. 


	4. Case Closed

Love Hina – Felony Assault  
  
Fanfic by Steven Biggs  
  
Chapter Four – Case Closed  
  
Wednesday Night  
  
[They all sit there, pictures of innocence. Yet each one is equally guilty of destroying the one they love. These are the hardest cases for me. Love turns to destruction, and everyone loses.]  
  
"It is clear to me that all of you, to varying degrees, are responsible for this act of violence against someone that you claimed to love. Not able to have him completely for yourself, you decided to destroy him so that no one else could have him. I will call for a full investigation team to scour this resort to find where you hid the body. Each of you will be placed into custody pending a preliminary hearing by the magistrate. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have an attorney present during any further questioning. Does each of you understand?"  
  
[I though that I had it all figured out. Everything fell into place. But then, HE walked in the front door.]  
  
"Do they understand what?"  
  
[I turned to the door. A young man entered, his shirt and pants torn and a twig stuck behind his left ear.]  
  
"And who are you sir?"  
  
"I'm Urashima Keitaro. I'm the manager here. What's going on?"  
  
[As the man approached the couch, he tripped and fell. As he reached out for support, he grabbed the skirt of Miss Maehara, dragging it to her ankles. Miss Aoyama stood.]  
  
"You vile, lecherous, deceiving, betrayer! Unhand that girl! SHINMEI SCHOOL SECRET ARTS! ROCK SPLITTING SWORD!"  
  
[It appeared from her blade. What it was, I don't want to know. It struck him head-on and threw him into a support beam, almost ripping it from its moorings. He slid to the floor AND STOOD UP!]  
  
"I'm sorry! It was an accident!"  
  
[This man, who should have just been killed, took two steps and tripped again. He landed face first between Miss Narusegawa's breasts.]  
  
"You PERVERT! Get out of there!"  
  
"N-narusegawa! I'm sorry!"  
  
[This slim, gentle looking girl punched him. He sailed over the couch and through the back wall. We could all hear him splash into the hot spring. A few seconds later, HE WALKED IN THE BACK DOOR, STILL ALIVE!]  
  
[I turned to moved towards the front door. As I slid it open, that turtle was hovering there. It raised a flipper to me.]  
  
"Mew!"  
  
[I risked a look back. I wish that I hadn't. Su was wielding a remote control and directing a mechanical turtle to chase Keitaro. Every few seconds, a fireball would burst from its mouth to engulf him. Every time, he got back up and kept running. Kitsune would catch his attention by flashing her breasts at him. He would freeze, blood gushing out of his nose. While immobilized, Motoko would hurl him against another wall with her sword. Naru would follow up by kicking him into the dinning room. Shinobu fainted on the couch when Keitaro stood up from one of his attacks and caught his face under her skirt. This started everything all over again. AND EVERYONE WAS SMILING THE WHOLE TIME!]  
  
[My name is Friday. I'm a cop. I'm sitting in a Japanese bar getting drunk. I want my mommy!]  
  
The End. 


End file.
